And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called ‘Amazon Dot Com’.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?” And Dot replied, :I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages
saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his
tent. But this success did arouse envy a man named Maccabia did secrete (look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every
drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “O Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known ‘eBay’ he said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.” And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO!” said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.
Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it!

It’s easy to understand “UP”, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this “UP” is confusing…
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the pages and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways “UP” is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it up, for now my time is UP,
so…. It’s Time to shut UP…!!

OH….ONE MORE THING:
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU DO IN THE MORNING AND THE LAST THING YOU DO AT NIGHT?
U-P

Long ago & far away, In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, Or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, And they were you & me, Long ago & far away In the Land That Made Me Me.

For Ike was in the White House In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, And Peyton Place was porn.
We learned to gut a muffler, We washed our hair at dawn, We spread our crinolines to dry In circles on the lawn.

We longed for love & romance, And waited for our Prince, And Eddie Fisher married Liz, And no one’s seen him since.
We danced to “Little Darlin”, And Sang to “Stagger Lee”
And cried for Buddy Holly In the Land That Made Me Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, And 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, Except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams Did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, In the Land That Made Me Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, They never made it twice.
We didn’t have a Star Trek Five, Or Psycho Two & Three,
Or Rockey-Rambo Twenty In the Land That Made Me Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, And Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat Whose co-star was a chimp.
We had a Mr Wizard, But not a Mr T,
And Oprah couldn’t talk yet In the Land That Made Me Me.

We had our share of heroes, We never thought they’d go, At least not Bobby Darin, Or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal, And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever In the Land That Made Me Me.

We’d never seen the rock band That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren’t named Jefferson, And Zeppelins were not Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then, And Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was a virgin In the Land That Made Me Me.

We’d never heard of microwaves, Or telephones in cars, And babies might be bottle-fed, But they weren’t grown in jars.
And pumping iron got wrinkles out, And “gay” meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed In the Land That Made Me Me.

We hadn’t seen enough of jets To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left At the bottom of the bag.
And Hardware was a box of nails, And bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction In the Land That Made Me Me.

Buick’s came with portholes, And side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough To cover both your cheeks.
And Coke came just in bottles, And skirts came to the knee, And Castro came to power In the Land That Made Me Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, We had no Hill Street Blues, We all wore superstructure bras Designed by Howard Hughes.
We had no patterned pantyhose Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms In the Land That Made Me Me.

There were no golden arches, No Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda, And cats were not called Bill.
And middle-aged was 35 And old was forty-three,
And ancient was our parents In the Land That Made Me Me.

But all things have a season, Or so we’ve heard them say, And now instead of Maybelline We swear by Retin-A.
And they send us invitations To join AARP,
We’ve come a long way, baby, From the Land That Made Me Me.

So now we face a brave new world In slightly larger jeans, And wonder why they’re using Smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children’s children Of the way it used to be, Long ago, and far away In the Land That Made Me Me.

Why drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke?

Why Banks leave both doors open and then chain their pens to counters?

Why we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 and buns in packages of 8?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why we don’t ever see the headline:
“Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a “Broker”?

Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called ‘rush hour’?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called ‘apartments’ when they are all stuck together?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport ‘the terminal’?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress??

JUST WANTED TO SHARE A SMILE WITH YOU!!

It’s called: A Mother-in-Law’s Pray
by Nick Kenny

Teach me to speak-or hold my tongue
When silence is divine…
Help me, I pray, to understand
This new-found child of mine.

Keep me from taking bitter sides
Or feeding angry flames,
Help me to let them both alone
Like children at their games.

Counsel me when to call on them
And when to say “Good-by”…
Instruct my heart to love them both
Nor ask the reason why.

Teach me to be a friend in need,
Whose smile they’re glad to share…
Never too near, yet never too far…
This is my humble prayer.

A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas. He said the expression “going bananas” is from the effects of bananas on the brain. Read on:
This is interesting.
After reading this, you’ll never look at a banana in the same way again.

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world’s leading athletes.

But energy isn’t the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit’s ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at wor k leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a “cooling” fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body’s water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, “A banana a day keeps the doctor away!”

PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe…polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit !
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On the Internet one of my favorite food sites is The Nibble (www.thenibble.com). It’s got great food finds, informative product reviews and helpful fine food recommendations. The site also offers a very interesting free weekly Newsletter. The Nibble is well worth ‘a nibble!’
Learning what food can do for us and which foods offer the most benefits will open doors to a healthier and better lifestyle!

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

* A calendar’s days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done